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if emperor nero had a quadcab from which to view the burning of rome, he would have played his fiddle while swinging in one of these.

it’s not gay marriage or the imminent collapse of the social security system; this thing is the absolute proof of america in decline.

y’all had better start studying chinese.

out.

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lone gunman theory

November 29 2007

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thanks to everyone for their advice about what to do about my shooter.

here is some of the advice i’ve gotten so far:

  • move back to new york
  • sell the fancy car
  • change from a louisiana to a north carolina license plate
  • buy night vision goggles for a stake-out
  • stop blogging about the neighbors
  • hurry up and get the garage finished

these are all under advisement.

meanwhile, i remain on the lookout for the perpetrator(s).

if you see a teenager that looks like (s)he has ever even thought of holding a paintball gun, go ahead and kick him in the balls. he may not have shot my car, but i’m sure he’s done something worth getting busted for.

a preemptive strike, as the bushies would say.

the ball-busting won’t work on a girl, so just call her ‘fat’.
that will hurt just as bad.

a quick dedication

November 28 2007

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this entry is dedicated to lil’ ray-ray.

see, ray-ray, i understand the kind of energy you’re trying to put out into the world.

out.

smal biznez

November 27 2007

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i’ve previously mentioned business ideas (or, at least, names) that started in new orleans and have sprung up in asheville.

i didn’t mean to imply that mountain folk completely lack the entrepreneurial spirit that has made this country what it is today.

for example, around here all the supplies you need to start a catering company are easily found around your home:

1978 chevy 1500
plywood
duct tape
bowie knife
barbecue grill
boom box
propane
black marker
weathervane
shotgun

good luck
and
bon app├ętit

just about right

November 26 2007

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i have no idea how scientific this evaluation is.

but on an emotional level, i think it’s about right
because i laugh at the same things 11 year olds laugh at.

as my aunt says, ‘treat men like little boys because they never grow up.’

note:
i found the evaluation at pleasuresaucer.blogspot.com
i don’t know where this fellow ashevillean found it.
if you go look at his site, be warned that you might see some titties.

(ha! i got to write the word, ‘titties’.)

…sorry, but i feel compelled to write it again:

titties

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why no comments allowed on this blog?

well, my goal is to be funny. if someone doesn’t find an entry funny, i see no need to make it easy for them to tell me so. let them write an email if they have to vent.

nonetheless, i don’t want to be hurtful.

i especially don’t want to come off as snarky
anything, but snarky.

like trix, sarcasm is for kids;
in adults, it’s just annoying.

if ‘snarky bugger’ has ever crossed your mind as you’ve read this blog,
please let me know.

distorttheinfo@gmail.com

thanks

i’m not a cat person

November 24 2007

i am a new dog owner. i got ‘the dog’ about a year ago. he’s from a shelter in waveland, ms. i heard he’s got a sister somewhere in chicago.

dogs are alot of work. never having owned one before, i had no idea. but at least they seem appreciative of the effort spent on them.

cats, on the other hand, are too aloof for me. if i’m picking-up a pet’s poop, i want to sense some expression of gratitude… a tail wag, an ear wiggle…something.

but give cats a little the odd couple dialog and my cold, cold heart begins to melt.

C U