August 18 2008
the funniest thing that happened to me recently:
i take my dog about 4 times a week to a dog park so he can run around and swim. by this point, i’m on a first name basis with many of the other regulars of the dog park.
one guy there all the time has lost the bottom part of one leg from the knee down. we’re not friendly enough for me to ask how he lost part of his leg. but i have seen him enough to say, ‘hey, how are you? how are your dogs doing? nice weather, huh?’ he seemed friendly enough, very chatty.
a couple of weeks ago he was excited because he was getting a new prosthetic leg because as he said ‘the one i have now sucks ass.’ i said, ‘well, that’s nice. good for you.’
i show up at the park a few days ago.
he got his new leg.
he got a designer model.
the plastic part that covers his knee and connects to the metal rod leading to the shoe has a design on it.
the man got an artificial leg completely emblazoned with a confederate flag.
our conversation was something like this:
i said, ‘i see you got your new leg.’
he said, ‘yep, it feels much better than the old one.’
i said, “uh-huh. well…uh… what’s up with the flag on your leg?”
he said, ‘this is the one i liked the best. the other patterns available were weird.’
i said, ‘they didn’t even have beige?’
he said, ‘nope.’
i said, ‘well… i’m kinda scared of you now… i’ll see you later.’
if we were better friends, i’d offer to take him to michael’s to buy modge podge so we could decoupage his leg with pictures of unicorns or butterflies. it may be sexist, but even decoupaging nudie pictures from playboy would seem more reasonable to me.
completely true story!
come on, “george”… just bite the bullet. learn spanish, start buying hip-hop albums and get yourself invited to at least one lesbian commitment ceremony this spring.
you’re bound to enjoy at least of these things.
it’ll get you out of your racist rut.
May 8 2008
my mother is not from long island; nor, does she have red hair or a penis.
but the attitude is the same.
yes, ma. all you’re gettin’ from me is this damn blog post.
it’ll teach you a lesson, not to have a 12 year old mow the lawn in august in new orleans.
i coulda died it was so hot.
April 6 2008
floyd is a service manager at the mercedes dealership in greensboro. he’s originally from waynesville. but i guess the bright lights of the triad lured him away from the mountains. he was fine to work with, except for not even attempting to spell my last name and giving me one of those ‘you ain’t from ’round here, are ya, son?’ looks when i walked in his office.
that happens everyday. so that’s not my point.
i needed my car serviced. i haven’t heard good things about the benz dealership in asheville. i especially didn’t want a trainee here working on the car. my sister lives in greensboro. so i could say ‘hello’ to her and get the car checked in the meantime.
besides the scheduled maintenance, there was only one thing i needed them to check.
when the A/C was set to medium speed, it made a weird noise, kinda like a playing card put against spinning bicycle spokes. but it didn’t make the noise if the A/C was manually set on ‘high’.
i thought a fan blade was loose or a piece of paper that i put in the glove compartment slipped into the A/C vent.
i was wrong.
i got floyd’s interim report about noon. here’s how i remember the conversation:
floyd: well, we found out what was making the sound in your A/C unit.
me: oh, OK, that’s good. what was it?
floyd: uh, well… it seems a rat built its nest in the system and that was interfering with it’s working properly.
me: what’d you say, floyd? (said a la diff’rent strokes’ “what you talkin bout willis?”)
floyd: uh, well… i’ve heard of it happening before. if a car is stored for a long period or kept on a field, small animals can climb-up into the engine compartment to set-up a sweet little den for themselves.
me: what’d you say, floyd?
floyd: uh, well… we know it was a rat because the technician was using pliers to pull-out the nesting material and one of the things he pulled out was the rat’s head.
me: what’d you say, floyd?
floyd: uh, well…we can keep the head for ya if you wanna have a look when you pick up the car. the tech still has it.
me: what’d you say, floyd? …
so it seems that every time i turned on the heater this winter my A/C was slapping a rat in the head, like moe slapped curly in the “three stooges” films.
the moral of this story is to quit smoking.
i smoke. i knew smoking affects the sense of taste. but now i know it affects the sense of smell to the point where i don’t notice the odor of a decaying rat in my car.
wow and yuck.
March 30 2008
the addition to the house is coming along.
the biggest news is that the klansman is now apparently the construction foreman.
my complacency created a middle manager.
March 25 2008
i went to 12 years of catholic school. so, of course, now i don’t practice any religion. i’m kinda like the guys who work at baskin-robbins that don’t eat ice cream after the first week on the job…
…it’s just too much.
but even wayward christians seem to go to church on easter.
the holiday and last week’s obama speech on race have me thinking about the power of the spoken word.
when i saw this video of ms. taylor, it reminded me of the passion and desire to connect with your fellow brothers and sisters that a good revival meeting can inspire.
her speech is not religious per se; but it does remind me of the emotional power an inspired preacher, or speaker in her case, can bring to an audience.
i teared-up listening to her because i felt the intensity of the self-revelation she was trying to explain and remind us of.
Brava to her
kumbaya to you
March 19 2008
i don’t know why i’ve been on a computer-related writing kick lately.
on that front, this video scared the crap out of me.
in 5 years when that thing has a laser gun and my credit report, i’m a dead man.
nice knowin’ ya.
i’m gonna go hide in the woods for a while.
March 13 2008
the ingles database has given me a look into the future.
do you think my ben and jerry’s ice cream discount was subsidized by the medical industrial complex? …kinda like a pusher gives kids a couple of free samples before he starts charging for the meth.
“here, lil’ bro, have some chunky monkey.”
“wow! thanks, mister.”
“when you need your blood sugar checked, you know where to come, right?”
“uh…, yeah. sure. …do you have an extra spoon”
“ok, here you go. now move along. …who’s next?”
$1.52 every once in a while can quickly be recovered in blood sugar monitor and syringe sales.
…and, No!, smartie-pants… i didn’t have all 4 pints at once while watching shawshank redemption with the lights off and a box of tissues next to me on the bed.