like STD’s in middle america

November 3 2007


here is a little insight for any new homeowners out there.

don’t skimp on the halloween candy. just because you found a 10-lb bag of salt-water toffee at sam’s wholesale club, it does not mean you should get it for the neighborhood kids.

the 1970’s had a wide-ranging impact on american life: bell-bottom jeans, STD’s in middle america, and diana without the supremes, just to name a few changes. the major change related to halloween that still affects everyone today is the fear of finding a hidden razorblade in the candy bucket.

moms had to start inspecting their kids’ haul to make sure the weird guy down the street didn’t put sewing needles in their candy corn. parents can no longer just put their kids in the den, close the door and let the sugar binge run its course. they’ve got to supervise.

i think that parents don’t want the hassle of that. so it’s easier to invite all the kids’ friends over for a halloween party in the family room. they can distribute the stuff they bought themselves.

that’s why the treat-or-treating tradition of my youth is dying out. last year there were 6 groups of kids who stopped by the house. this year it was only 3.

needless to say, there was a lot of leftover candy. if i had bought the cheapest candy i could find, i’d be stuck with a decaying mound of store-brand caramels and the pink bubble gum covered with that powdery dust, all of which i’d be tempted to reuse next halloween.

but since i bought just the crap i like, it’ll all be gone by tomorrow.

because you probably weren’t one of the few that stopped by my house on halloween, here’s what you missed out on:

reese’s peanut butter cups (white chocolate variety)
kit kat bars
three musketeers
bite-size snickers

adult-onset diabetes, here i come.


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