mother’s day

(click photo to view video)

my mother is not from long island; nor, does she have red hair or a penis.

but the attitude is the same.

Editor’s note:
yes, ma. all you’re gettin’ from me is this damn blog post.
it’ll teach you a lesson, not to have a 12 year old mow the lawn in august in new orleans.
i coulda died it was so hot.

jeffrey kalinsky can kiss my ass

i left new york for the same reason mrs. jackson likes to shop at the dollar palace.

after a certain age, you just don’t feel like putting on a show for the neighbors.

for example, if you’re not planning on seeing the same people over the next few days, or even a week, let’s say, what’s the point of changing clothes everyday?

a nice pair of scrubs can take you from day to evening and back to day again.

if your bits ‘n pieces don’t stink, why bother?

“Sparkle, Neely! Sparkle!” is a hard lifestyle to maintain.

i don’t fit into any of my ten suits thanks to this newfound respect of drawstrings pants and ingles’ bakery department.

i’m tired; admittedly, not as tired as mrs. jackson, but tired nonetheless.

i just want to sit and have cake.

a $250,000 rothko ?

would you believe this is the latest rothko painting up for auction at sotheby’s?

…ok, it not.

but i only got this shot by agreeing to spend $250,000.00. so it’s just a bit behind the current prices fetched for similarly derivative modern art.

to me, these are more important and stress-inducing than owning an uninsured rothko during hurricane season.

the excavator didn’t show up to finish the dig for the garage addition i’m putting onto the house. so the huge hole in my backyard has just been a poo pad for the dog. after a week of taking the dog out in the morning, i’m very familair with every nook and cranny of this hole.

so i decided to harness my nervous energy towards a creative exercise and document the dig.

to defray the compounding interest of the construction loan while i wait for the fucking excavator to get out on bail and finish his job, i’m open to selling prints of my abstract expressionism.

here’s another one:

here’s the hole when not using the telephoto lens:

instead of shooting pictures, i should just shoot myself…

… $250,000…

…OMG

this is your brain on drugs

(editor’s note: the link below is NSFW. trust. it’s information superhighway roadkill. but i couldn’t look away.)

asheville seems like a popular place for rich hippies to retire.

i gather that from the wide range of people who talk openly about their use of pot. this is an expensive place to live. maybe pot eases the nausea that comes from writing their mortgage payment checks.

i hit high school during the reagan administration. as a result, i was terrified of AIDS and illegal drugs. nancy reagan’s impact on me was huge in that respect. bitch. imposing fear without education.

if the ‘eggs in a frying pan’ metaphor doesn’t stop your descent into drug abuse, the following blog entry should do the trick:

http://keithiskneedeepinmud.blogspot.com/2007/10/crack-is-whack.html

aren’t you dying to know what the guy had in the shopping bags?

out.

bumper car philosophy

after new york, asheville is the most liberal, progressive place i’ve lived. or least that’s what many people living here like to tell me about their town.

for good or bad, asheville seems the perfect bobo paradise.

the most fascinating aspect of this place is the tug-of-war between real progressive action and the bumper sticker approach that feigns action.

would the last city council voter participation numbers have been higher if every person who has a bumper sticker on their car, also made sure they went to vote?

progressives are very good talkers. but changing words into action doesn’t seem their forté. is righteous indignation their goal, not their starting point? …oh, and smug. those suckers can be smug.

(i’m not judging. i’m just typing out an observation. obviously, i’m no better.)

damaging your car’s paint job with a bumper sticker is a slightly sad and ineffective way to attempt change.

nevertheless, the variety of topics i’ve seen on asheville bumpers is impressive.

C U

hot or not ?

quite an eventful weekend; i got to be neighborly.

i am first in line at the light on merrimon and chestnut headed downtown. the light turns green. from the far side of the street, a light blue gran torino pulls out too slowly from the bojangles drive-thru and gets hit by a minivan headed north.

tiny cute versions of me as an angel and a devil popped up on each shoulder. the angel on my right shoulder said ‘be neighborly. pull over and offer your help’. the devil said ‘mind your own business. nobody died. they’re adults. they can take care of themselves. no one asked for your help’.

i stopped.

the accident was completely the gran torino driver’s fault. so i offered my name and cell phone to the minivan driver. then i remembered my camera was in the car. i told the minivan driver he could use the camera and i’d email the pics to him later.

poor baby, he was all flustered. he couldn’t figure out how to use the camera, bless his heart. he held the camera backwards and took a picture of his eyeball. [actual photo above]

so i took over the photo-taking.

while taking the pics, i noticed HIM, one of the firemen… 6ft2, huge guns, and warrior-concentration face… in short, a big hunk of manly man.

now sitting here typing this entry, i reviewed the photos. i too must have been affected by the shock of the accident because he’s not as pretty in the face as i remembered.

because of their job, firemen automatically get 10 extra hotness points compared to a regular guy. but even with that head start, i’m not sure.

you tell me, hot or not?

…a little cro-magnon, right?

chamber pop

does everyone know about this musical classification?

while digging through amazon.com, i saw the genre, chamber pop. i’d never heard of the category before.

here’s the quote from wikipedia:

Modern baroque pop, characterized by an infusion of orchestral arrangements or classical type composition within an indie or indie pop setting, is often referred to as CHAMBER POP, and sometimes chamber rock. This style, leaning heavily in an indie-rock direction, has sometimes been identified as a common feature of many of the most influential and widely-known indie bands in Canada; many of these bands are quite large for rock outfits and make full use of the additional personnel to create a fuller-bodied, more orchestral sound.

it seems the genre covers: arcade fire, the national, antony and the johnsons, sigur ros, interpol, rufus wainwright, etc. etc.

i like them because all their music seems to written in a minor chord.

please buy some music from antony and the johnsons. quirky souls like him deserve to be rewarded, not fergie or maroon 5.

out

ps

here’s a little gossip for you:

rufus and i went to the same gym in new york…probably the gayest gym in the tri-state area. we both liked to relax in the sauna after our training sessions. that’s where i noticed his little buddha belly… very cute.

he’s a belter in concert, kinda like ethel merman. but his strong diaphragm is hidden under rolls.

rufus rolls.

 

 

 

lone gunman theory

thanks to everyone for their advice about what to do about my shooter.

here is some of the advice i’ve gotten so far:

• move back to new york
• sell the fancy car
• change from a louisiana to a north carolina license plate
• buy night vision goggles for a stake-out
• stop blogging about the neighbors
• hurry up and get the garage finished

these are all under advisement.

meanwhile, i remain on the lookout for the perpetrator(s).

if you see a teenager that looks like (s)he has ever even thought of holding a paintball gun, go ahead and kick him in the balls. he may not have shot my car, but i’m sure he’s done something worth getting busted for.

a preemptive strike, as the bushies would say.

the ball-busting won’t work on a girl, so just call her ‘fat’.
that will hurt just as bad.

a quick dedication

this entry is dedicated to lil’ ray-ray.

see, ray-ray, i understand the kind of energy you’re trying to put out into the world.

out.

i’m not a cat person

i am a new dog owner. i got ‘the dog’ about a year ago. he’s from a shelter in waveland, ms. i heard he’s got a sister somewhere in chicago.

dogs are alot of work. never having owned one before, i had no idea. but at least they seem appreciative of the effort spent on them.

cats, on the other hand, are too aloof for me. if i’m picking-up a pet’s poop, i want to sense some expression of gratitude… a tail wag, an ear wiggle…something.

but give cats a little ‘the odd couple‘ dialog and my cold, cold heart begins to melt.

C U

agnostics, pagans and grinches, oh my!

the last entry was how city life and country life can be different. both places can be wacky. they just head to wacky town in their own way.

today is how both the city and country can both be a pain in the ass; namely parades.

new yorkers complain about the puerto rican day parade, the gay pride parade, the st. patrick’s day parade, etc, etc.
they aren’t necessarily against hispanics, the queer community, drunken child abusers, etc. etc.

they just hate the disruption in traffic.

new orleanians suffer through the same problems during mardi gras. (though you should go visit this coming year to help the local economy. they’re hurtin’.)

asheville had a christmas parade on saturday…a beautiful day for fresh-faced families with strollers and folding chairs to visit downtown and begin the joyous holiday season.

just one problem…

every major street in downtown was barricaded.

even though i went to catholic school for 12 years, i have nothing against religion or the celebration of quasi-religious events (the parade is co-sponsored by the asheville merchant corp., uh-huh.).

it’s just that i had things to do. having moved here only 2 months ago, i only know one way to go to each of the places on my to-do list. when downtown is closed off, i’m fucked.

if asheville is the progressive town it heralds itself as, i propose that the city issue a bond initiative to cover the cost of GPS systems for all new residents that do not want to celebrate any holiday with a parade. the machines can be distributed through the county library system to ensure only residents get the systems. there can be a one year borrowing limit after which the systems have to be returned.

come on, how reasonable is that?

i’m not saying saying ‘cancel the damn parades.’ i’m just sayin’ help the uninterested get around them.

i envision a grand coalition of agnostics, pagans and grinches rising up to demand easy access to malls, dry cleaners and chinese restaurants 365 days a year. i’m sure greenlife will let them set-up a petition table at their entrance…

or just contact your local representative.

thank you for your support.

gutterpuck trannie

i’m not sayin’ living in the city is better than living in the country. i’m just saying it’s different.

in manhattan, one of my neighborhood homeless people was a trannie. but a very specific kind of trannie. she was a goth, marilyn manson, trent renzor-type trannsexual homeless person. she was not just an older gutterpuck. no, she was the prerequisite koo-koo as well… muttering to herself, applying kohl in a 3-inch radius around her eyes, carrying all her stuff in a laundry cart, sleeping over a subway grate kinda koo-koo.

…oh, and a fetish latex corset. she always wore her fetish latex corset.

i have not seen her equivalent in asheville yet. but i did see something today that i have not witnessed in my life journey so far.

the cashier at the asheville airport parking lot has a pet cat set-up outside her booth.

the cat has a blanket and food bowl in front of the cashier’s window as you pull up to pay for parking. it’s a black cat with white paws. as i approached the booth, the cat got up from the driveway, stretched, and sauntered over to her bed. i may be exaggerating the cat’s bitchiness, but she seemed genuinely perturbed that i made her move.

of course, the cashier was oblivious that any of this might be considered unusual. she just took my $2 and asked if i needed a receipt. since a goal of living here is not to upset the locals, i just said, ‘no, thanks’ and drove away without mentioning the cat.

as you fellow ashevilleans fly home for the holidays, keep a lookout for the cashier’s cat. i’m sure running over a cat during kwanzaa is not kosher.

oh, and if you find out the cat’s name, please let me know. i’m curious.

out.

ps

yes, i know the typical spelling is ‘tranny,’ but i think ‘trannie’ is more feminine. that’s the point, right?

whitney museum: kara walker

prejudice is bad.

but if it could be eliminated, what would people do with all their extra time and energy?

Kara Walker: My Complement, My Enemy, My Oppressor, My Love

October 11, 2007 – February 3, 2008

Whitney Museum of American Art
945 Madison Avenue at 75th Street
New York, NY 10021

General Information: 1 (800) WHITNEY

about

a year ago i lived in manhattan at 23rd st and 8th ave.

i went back home to new orleans to close my company because of that damned katrina.

now i’m in asheville, north carolina watching the leaves change color from my rocking chair.

no one has a clear view of their lives or where they’ll end up. it’s hard to be objective about yourself. nevertheless, we all try to manage how we see ourselves and how others see us.

as my momma said ‘te estoy diciendo esto para que sapes lo que ha estado pasando, no para que puedas “distort the info”

distorttheinfo@gmail.com

C U