christmas new orleans style

i’m off to new orleans for christmas.

please don’t rob my house while i’m gone. i have no cash or jewels laying about anyway. but there are 20 lbs. of purina one, chicken flavor, in the pantry if you’re really hungry.

i don’t have a laptop. and my mother doesn’t own a computer even though she inadvertently came up with the name for this blog.

so no blog entries from me for a while.

for 2008 i wish all of yall, health, happiness and a cheaper, faster iphone.

i’m probably turning ‘mac’ this coming year, the chinese year of the rat. can’t wait.

it’s a little early, but
新年あけましておめでとうございます

ps

my fucking condo is still for sale in new orleans.

here’s a deal for all my ‘distort the info’ readers:

close on my house before 01/30/08 and get a 10% rebate on the purchase price.

i’m not kidding. i’ll give you the money in new $100 bills so you can lay them out on your bed and roll around in them like demi moore in ‘indecent proposal’.

pandering to the kidz

to expand my reader demographic, here’s a multipurpose video.

it’s mash-up of dolly parton’s cover of ’stairway to heaven’ by led zeppelin with cameos by pat benetar and the beastie boys, among others. the visuals seem arbitrary. so feel free to play the video in a minimized window.

dolly’s bluegrass period is worthy of investigating… much, much better than her pop stuff.

kudos to dj earworm.

UNCA radio should be doing this kind of shit.

out.

…and a diet coke, please.

to me it seems i’ve been complaining a lot.

this is an attempt to see the brighter side of life in asheville.

there are lots of good restaurants here, a mix of healthy, friendly places to fight the onslaught of chain restaurants.

so far, i’ve really enjoyed:

carmel’s
early girl eatery
fig
india garden
thai basil

so as not to appear to be a representative of the local restaurant association, let me tell you where not to go:

laughing seed cafe

in my humble opinion, it was an overrated disappointment. i went twice to make sure it wasn’t a fluke on the first visit. maybe the reason their bar area is so big is because drunken people won’t notice how ‘blah’ the food is. i’d rather get something at the salad bar at greenlife and donate the difference in price to charity.

i know it’s a popular place. please don’t hurt me.

but, trust.

separated at birth

i’m not implying nothing. i’m just saying they look alike.

that’s all.

please don’t hurt me.

don’t tread on them

don’t fuck with the avett brothers !

trust.

that’s the second most important lesson i’ve learned about living peacefully among the locals of WNC.

the most important lesson is not to go to ingle’s between 5pm to 6:30pm on a weekday. the first and last time i did that it took 45 minutes in line to buy 3 items. people started to get testy; itching for a fight.

i’d rather pay CVS prices.

i complained about the lack of musical options on local radio. the original visuals (which i have since revised), not the written part, on the post may have implied that the avetts were part of the problem. let’s be clear. i did NOT write any such thing.

i heard grumblings of torches and being tied up like a pig for slaughter if i even look at the avetts funny; let alone question their sanctity.

again, i didn’t say nothin’ ’bout them boys.

please don’t hurt me.

quotable quotes for $200, alex

“It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important.”

- Martin Luther King Jr.

for a wide variety of social issues, this idea is the most important role of government.

out.

ps

here’s a miscellaneous asheville observation:

employees at the asheville barnes and noble are allowed to work in crocs.
yikes.

my favorite new phrase

i didn’t think of it. neither did the guy who said it to me.

maybe it’s just the alliteration, not the subtext.

here it is:

“everything i resisted has persisted”

out.

my car ate the go-go’s

my first cassette tape purchases for the ipod touch of its time, a sony walkman, were the go-go’s and the talking heads. the go-go’s album, “beauty and the beat“, was my claim to hipdom. 1981, people. 19 fucking 81.

this week reality slapped me in the face. my aging process seems to be speeding up. i couldn’t lift my head off the bed because of a strained back. then the go-go’s tape i’ve had for 26 years popped.

my car is old enough to have come with a factor-installed tape player. after i listened to ‘we got the beat’, i pressed the button to switch to the other side of the tape. nothing, no music for 5 minutes. i hit the eject button and there was no more magnetic tape to be seen in the plastic case.

my car ate the go-go’s.

i solved the back trouble with muscle relaxers… lovely, lovely things, those pills. they address the problem without calories. double plus goodness.

but the cassette-chewing car is a problem i have yet to solve. i’m scared to stick another tape into the player for fear of losing more of my dwindling stockpile.

i hear that kids now burn cd’s for their cars. can one of you, young’uns, explain to me how bit-torrents work?

thanks in advance.

little pink houses for you and me

that damn hurricane hit over 2 years ago.

lots of people ask me ‘how’s it going in new orleans?’

all the places tourists go are fine. new orleans’ economy runs on the hospitality industry. everyone there would LOVE you to go visit. without the energy of visitors, the locals are apt to keep looking backwards, like miss havisham.

but in the suburbs of new orleans, it’s surreal bureaucracy.

my mother lives in those suburbs. the flood waters washed away soil under the foundation of her house. so foundation cracked from the weight of the house. now the house tilts to one side.

a couple of weeks ago she finally got a letter from the government saying her house qualified for a foundation repair grant.

the approval took 800 days ?!?

here’s the cherry on top:

the letter also said there is presently no money in the redevelopment fund to issue a check; maybe in next year’s budget.

huh?

“into the wild”

i love to cry at the movies.

the theatre’s dark. no one can see you. no judgements. the huge screen envelops you into a space where it’s ok is cry. but it only happens if you lose yourself into the world of the director.

when desiring a good crying jag, see:

the sweet hereafter
finding neverland
hadashi no gen
the shawshank redemption
four weddings and a funeral (for my gay fans)

now add to that, ‘into the wild’

i resisted seeing the movie because i thought it would be a self-flagellational rant about the evils of our consumerist society. it’s written and directed by sean penn. so it’s a easy assumption.

but i thought it was an earnest attempt to express the effects of yearning and regret. it’s been playing in asheville for quite a while for a small indie film. thematically i completely understand how the film would connect to an ashevillean’s sensibility.

anyway, i cried like a baby.

feel free to analyze my emotional tripwires based on these movies. any insights you have will be appreciated.

out.

here, darlin’, have a donut. i beg you.

i don’t cook. that’s why i’m at the bobo grocery store delis all over the city.

the organic, locally grown, raw food vegans i’ve seen there are not the shiny, happy people one would imagine based on their earth-conscious eating habits.

most have a ‘zero-carb sneer’.

i want to gather them all up and turn them back toward the light.

carbohydrates and trans-fats bring a peace and contentment that can be found no other way.

trust.

ps

i want to trademark ‘zero-carb sneer’.

please don’t buy that website name.

i plan on doing that sometime next week.

like julia roberts in ‘pretty woman’

i love ‘before and after’ pictures.

…the power of transformation.

it doesn’t matter the topic. i have to buy any magazine with a ‘before and after’ segment …architectural digest, glamour, national enquirer, star magazine… popular mechanics; whatever it is. i am drawn to it like an ashevillean to a sports sandal.

a plain, fat girl transformed into a hillary duff clone.
a crack den transformed into a trendy, urban loft.
a bobo mercedes transformed into a pope mobile.

why is this on my mind?

“raking autumn leaves” before:

“raking autumn leaves” after:

i hope the neighbor lady is proud of me.

the rake is now for sale on craigslist.

out.

ps
of course, i didn’t rake the leaves. todd did.
thanks, todd (the henry higgins of landscaping).

sucks big hairy chunks

asheville radio sucks big, hairy chunks of badness.

the fact that public radio earnestness runs right next to evangelical diatribes on the dial was funny for a minute. now that i realize that’s basically all there is, it’s not so funny.

the lettering on the ’scan’ button of the car’s radio is faded from my having pressed it so much in the last couple of months. i can program up to 9 stations on the car stereo system. so far, i’m using 3.

i realize catching radio signals in the mountains may be tough. there’s a huge antenna on mt. pisgah, use that for something worthwhile.

i wondered ‘who is going to pay for radio?’ when sirius and xm radio debuted. now the stiletto 2 is probably going on my amazon wish list.

yes, i have an ipod. but it’s a closed system. you only hear what you put in. there is no chance to be excited about a new band you just happen to catch on the way to the grocery store.

there’s an opening in the marketplace…come on, creative class, start researching how to fix this problem.

clear channel communications started somewhere.

out

ps
WRES is doing their best, bless their hearts.

editor’s note: (12/9/07)
the original post was edited after receipt of intelligence reports that in its original form the post would have lead to social unrest. if you are in possession of a screen capture of the original, unedited post, please destroy immediately. thank you.

if it doesn’t fit, you must …

 

 

either buddha or sally jesse raphael once said, ‘make each day an opportunity to learn.’

here is what i learned today:

• a dog can eat a medium-sized men’s leather glove.
• a dog cannot digest a medium-sized men’s leather glove.
• a new pair of gloves at target cost $19.99
• asking a vet to remove a glove from inside a dog costs $239.52

here is what i want to learn tomorrow:

• how a family of 4 can afford to live in this bobo paradise called asheville.

   

bumper car philosophy

after new york, asheville is the most liberal, progressive place i’ve lived. or least that’s what many people living here like to tell me about their town.

for good or bad, asheville seems the perfect bobo paradise.

the most fascinating aspect of this place is the tug-of-war between real progressive action and the bumper sticker approach that feigns action.

would the last city council voter participation numbers have been higher if every person who has a bumper sticker on their car, also made sure they went to vote?

progressives are very good talkers. but changing words into action doesn’t seem their forté. is righteous indignation their goal, not their starting point? …oh, and smug. those suckers can be smug.

(i’m not judging. i’m just typing out an observation. obviously, i’m no better.)

damaging your car’s paint job with a bumper sticker is a slightly sad and ineffective way to attempt change.

nevertheless, the variety of topics i’ve seen on asheville bumpers is impressive.

C U

the whole thing

up until the last 10 minutes, the dog and i had been having a grand ol’ time.

he was starting to understand that ‘playing fetch’ involves returning the ball to me, not just chasing, catching and then spitting it out.

then it happened.

i took off my gloves to get the leash out of my pocket. one of the gloves fell to the ground. the dog promptly ate it.

no, he didn’t just rip it up. he ate the entire glove.

i’m not fast enough to catch a dog. i offered dog-training treats in exchange for the glove. but the dog could not have cared less. he had a genuine leather glove. he probably thought to himself, ‘i don’ need no stinken kibble. i got your glove, mutha-fucka!’

can dogs digest leather?

i guess we’ll find out in a couple of days.

out.

ps
i don’t know why, but having the dog’s internal dialogue sound like al pacino in ‘scarface‘ just seems appropriate.

hot or not ?

quite an eventful weekend; i got to be neighborly.

i am first in line at the light on merrimon and chestnut headed downtown. the light turns green. from the far side of the street, a light blue gran torino pulls out too slowly from the bojangles drive-thru and gets hit by a minivan headed north.

tiny cute versions of me as an angel and a devil popped up on each shoulder. the angel on my right shoulder said ‘be neighborly. pull over and offer your help’. the devil said ‘mind your own business. nobody died. they’re adults. they can take care of themselves. no one asked for your help’.

i stopped.

the accident was completely the gran torino driver’s fault. so i offered my name and cell phone to the minivan driver. then i remembered my camera was in the car. i told the minivan driver he could use the camera and i’d email the pics to him later.

poor baby, he was all flustered. he couldn’t figure out how to use the camera, bless his heart. he held the camera backwards and took a picture of his eyeball. [actual photo above]

so i took over the photo-taking.

while taking the pics, i noticed HIM, one of the firemen… 6ft2, huge guns, and warrior-concentration face… in short, a big hunk of manly man.

now sitting here typing this entry, i reviewed the photos. i too must have been affected by the shock of the accident because he’s not as pretty in the face as i remembered.

because of their job, firemen automatically get 10 extra hotness points compared to a regular guy. but even with that head start, i’m not sure.

you tell me, hot or not?

…a little cro-magnon, right?

romance gray

i don’t know if the kids still use this term in japan, but when i lived there the term ‘romance gray’ described a man just past middle age whose graying temples, taut belly and dandy swagger make him quite the heartthrob among the ladies.

i came up with a term for asheville’s version of this guy. i call the type a ’smokey joe’.

i’m on friendly terms with a smokey joe at the dog park. we’re on the same dog playing schedule. so i see him a few times a week. he’s chatty, the type of guy who can talk to anyone about anything.

straight, single and likes pets; these elements combine to make a babe magnet around here.

after a certain age, the female ashevillean doesn’t seem to care about a beer belly and dirty clothes as long as all the major parts are in working order.

some days he seems to have the juices flowing of every post-menopausal hetero-woman in the park. there is a lot of eyelash fluttering, hair primping and smile flashing going on.

how did i notice what’s happening?

well, i can only watch a dog chase a ball and chew on a stick for about 10 minutes. after that, i need other distractions.

my hope is that this smokey joe uses his power for good instead of evil.

out

as is my nature…

my car getting shot at has made me reflect quite a bit on the situation i’ve created for myself.

the most important thing i’ve confirmed is that i am NOT running away from a tough situation. if my car got tagged because of my race, creed, gender or sexual proclivities, my attitude is ‘bring it on, mutha-fucker. bring it on.’

come up to the house, ring the doorbell and tell me to my face that you’ve got a problem with me.

as is my nature, i will politely listen to what you’ve got to say. who knows, you may have some insight that hasn’t crossed my mind.

unless that happens, i’m not changing one thing about my life.

i worked like a dog to afford a house and a fancy car (please refer to anthony hopkins’ character in ‘remains of the day‘).

i’m not getting rid of them. and asheville is not easily getting rid of me.

so ’suck it’, mr. shooter. i’ve got things to do.

out.

chamber pop

does everyone know about this musical classification?

while digging through amazon.com, i saw the genre, chamber pop. i’d never heard of the category before.

here’s the quote from wikipedia:

Modern baroque pop, characterized by an infusion of orchestral arrangements or classical type composition within an indie or indie pop setting, is often referred to as CHAMBER POP, and sometimes chamber rock. This style, leaning heavily in an indie-rock direction, has sometimes been identified as a common feature of many of the most influential and widely-known indie bands in Canada; many of these bands are quite large for rock outfits and make full use of the additional personnel to create a fuller-bodied, more orchestral sound.

it seems the genre covers: arcade fire, the national, antony and the johnsons, sigur ros, interpol, rufus wainwright, etc. etc.

i like them because all their music seems to written in a minor chord.

please buy some music from antony and the johnsons. quirky souls like him deserve to be rewarded, not fergie or maroon 5.

out

ps

here’s a little gossip for you:

rufus and i went to the same gym in new york…probably the gayest gym in the tri-state area. we both liked to relax in the sauna after our training sessions. that’s where i noticed his little buddha belly… very cute.

he’s a belter in concert, kinda like ethel merman. but his strong diaphragm is hidden under rolls.

rufus rolls.

 

 

 

autumn bites me in the…

i’ve raved about the beauty of the smokey mountains in more than one entry.

i still maintain that the last couple of months have been a pleasure to experience… pretty, pretty and more pretty.

now it’s time to pay the piper. autumn has turned to bite me in the ass.

there is about a half inch layer of leaves covering the yard. i thought i’d wait for them to turn into mulch on their own. but so far nothing’s happened. i guess my trees are all the anti-spontaneous-decaying-into-mulch varieties.

the neighbors have started to notice.

i did sweep the porch once. and wouldn’t you know it, the next door neighbor, a lovely woman by the way, saw me and walked over with a rake in her hand.

‘hi. would you like this? i have an extra one.’

‘uhh, well, i… uhh…’

‘please take it. i don’t need it back. i have 2. by the looks of it, you don’t have any.’

‘uhh, well, i… uhh…’

‘here, please, it’s fine. nice to see you. byeeeeee.’

fuck.

i guess i have to go rake the yard now.